"Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you." ~ Princess Diana of Wales.
I love this idea. We all know the extent to which Diana followed this principle, but for the average Joes of the world - those of us pottering around with no spotlight or critics with pens at the ready to dole out judgment on every day of our lives - it can be easy to forget about the world as a whole and focus just on our world. It can be hard to remember to strike a balance between looking after ourselves and looking out for others through any small acts of kindness that we can afford to undertake.
The thing we seem so inclined to forget in the frantic rush of our 21st century lives is that kindness can be free. It can cost us absolutely nothing but our time to stop and show kindness to somebody in need. So why don't we see kindness every day, on every corner? It's impossible to say. There are certainly those who try to do the Good Samaritan bit whenever the opportunity arises - saving leftovers from the restaurant to feed the homeless man on the corner; staying late at work to help a colleague struggling to meet a deadline; climbing heroically out of the car and running through peak hour traffic in corporate clothing (and heels?) to rescue the little puppy that has escaped from someone's garden. Random acts of kindness can range from the smallest of gestures to a much grander offering (such as paying for the tuition of a child whose family cannot afford it). But the thing about which I am always most curious is whether this kindness permeates through all aspects of the lives of those who try to show it. Do we live each day as that person - the kind person helping somebody just because we can - or do we tend to forget that side of ourselves when we are stressed over a looming deadline, obsessing over relationship woes, or have just stubbed a little toe on the corner of a table? I know I certainly don't feel particularly kind when I am dealing with taxi drivers in peak hour traffic... I am far more prone to forget myself as a thousand exasperated thoughts bombard my mind than I am to just smile and try to understand the reasons behind the driver's deplorable behaviour.
Although most of us probably hate to admit this, the average person finds it a lot easier to pass judgment on other people than to feel compassion for them. When a person does something that seems illogical or cruel, it is very easy to lash out and make sure that they know just what we think of their actions. What takes more effort (for me, at least) is to step back from my gut reaction and ask the simplest question: "why? Why would the person have behaved in that way?" Well, maybe they're feeling ill; maybe they're grieving; maybe they're worried about something; or maybe they are just a jerk. It certainly doesn't justify the behaviour but asking that question gives me the chance to ensure that my reaction to the person stems from a place of compassion rather than a knee-jerk judgment, because the only place I find those tend to lead is one of guilt and regret. Guilt because I end up exacerbating the person's already negative emotional state; regret because, had I stopped to think before reacting, I know I would have reacted differently.
When I look around at all the people with whom I interact (however briefly) in my world, I am often struck by how little I know about the nitty-gritty of their lives. Sure, I know the big news items and things that people choose to share: he is desperately awaiting a letter of offer from a company; she has a major exam coming up; they are moving to Canada next year, etc. What I don't know are the intimate little details that make up each person's life and character. I don't know why she has seemed so uncharacteristically sad and anxious this past month, or why he is suddenly arriving late every day when he was previously always the first to arrive. More importantly, if I don't bother to ask, I'll never find out that her grandmother is ill and the hospital bills are piling up, and his car was stolen so he has to catch a lift to work each day with an unreliable friend. The point is that we don't know anybody's story until we care to stop and find out, but nowadays people are less and less inclined to do so. In today's fast-paced and self-absorbed world, understanding and compassion are not commonly found. People are in too much of a hurry to feel like they have the time to stop and care about someone else's problems; they have enough of their own! The problem is, if the whole world behaves in this way, the people who have nobody to care get left behind and become a part of the tragedy of human neglect that is sweeping the world.
The all too common symbols of this neglect - the homeless, the hungry, the poor - always bring to my mind one of Gandhi's famous sayings: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." It sounds so straightforward. I want the world to be a better place, therefore I must start by being a better me... but where do we draw the line? It is so easy to get lost in trying to help others and hoping to change the world. I could spend my life giving money to those who are poor, food to those who are hungry, clothes to those who are cold, but what's to stop me from waking up one day to realise that I have no money, food or clothes left for myself? Giving with abandon is not a practical solution. I need to find ways in which I can commit random acts of kindness on a daily basis that will make the world better for somebody else without compromising myself. This is why, each day, I try to approach the people in my world with compassion whenever it is possible to do so and find ways to make a difference in their lives however I can. Although (being merely human) my instinctive judgments often happen before I can do anything to stop them, I find that if I take a step back and balance these with compassion I am able to ensure that my reaction is considered and positive rather than negative and hurtful.
The beauty of life is that every day presents a new start and an opportunity for me to try again - just for that day - to be the compassionate person instead of the judgmental one. It is easier when I think of what Scott Adams said about kindness: "Remember there is no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end." He was absolutely right. A single act of kindness can completely turn around a person's day. A few acts of kindness towards the same person can change their attitude entirely, to the point where they might be inspired to show kindness towards others. In this way the kindness can spread. The effects of kindness are plain to see if we consider the life of Princess Diana, the extent of her influence of kindness and the countless lives she touched through her daily choice of compassion over judgment. If we all chose to emulate her and make that same choice each day, just imagine the world we could create... If we all decided to commit one random act of kindness each day, perhaps we could start to spread it around and inspire others to do the same.
Wednesday, 20 December 2017
Wednesday, 13 September 2017
The Simple Thing of Communication
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." ~ George Bernard Shaw
Communication is easily one of the biggest stumbling blocks in the daily life of the average Joe. Not necessarily because we are bad at communicating. Rather because every person communicates slightly differently and it is very difficult to adapt to these different styles of communication every time we wish to have a conversation. As a result, many of us choose to rather just bulldoze ahead in our own style and assume that the other person has understood what we said in exactly the way we intended it to be understood. Well, here's the thing...
Hundreds of miscommunications take place every single day, from the boardroom to the back office, the bedroom to the bar, between boss and minion, parent and child, lovers, or friends. Generally, the gist of any message conveyed in conversation can be understood by most people regardless of the communication styles involved. The problem is that all of the aspects involved in communication - word choice, vocal tone, facial expressions, body language - are subjectively interpreted by each person. A misunderstanding of the intention behind any of these elements can cause the plain meaning of the words to be lost in the emotional reaction that the other person experiences. This is exactly the reason that so many communications go awry. I would like to explore this using three examples of such miscommunications that I have experienced or witnessed in various contexts - between colleagues in the workplace, between family members, and between lovers.
The Workplace: I have seen colleagues reduced to tears by an unpleasantly loud, agitated manager who appeared to be shouting at them while relaying information about an assignment to be completed. After numerous iterations of this offending behaviour, it became apparent that this particular manager externalises their stress by shouting and it has nothing to do with the person on the receiving end of the tirade (except, of course, if that person has actually made an error - although shouting is always unprofessional and seriously counter-productive). The problem in this case was that the minions who felt that they were being shouted at were young, anxiety-prone and ambitious individuals who did not separate the manager's agitation from the message that was being conveyed. Result: a clueless manager (because from their side, there was no offence meant and they were completely unaware of the intense nature of their speech) and a distraught minion (because from their side, it felt as though they were in trouble as a result of their manager "shouting" at them).
This is a classic example of miscommunication in the workplace. It happens all too often that a stressed and overbearing manager causes a minion to feel worthless and even terrified simply due to an inappropriate, misplaced display of stress. It is a very difficult thing to try and temper our communications to ensure that we are not misdirecting our negative emotions into a completely unrelated conversation but, if we are able to do so, it will certainly help us to avoid stepping on toes (or feelings) and preserve the relationships we have in the workplace.
The Family: A few years ago, I was tutoring a child who was really struggling to find any motivation when it came to their school work. We all take different approaches to life (some of us are early birds, others are night owls; some are naturally hardworking and disciplined, others have to try a lot harder to motivate themselves to work) and the biggest problem I have noticed so far with these differences is the misunderstanding that occurs between people on opposite ends of these spectrums. In this case, the parents were incredibly organised, extremely hardworking individuals, and the child was about as unmotivated, disorganized, and idle as they come.
The issue for this family was that the parents couldn't find a way to motivate their child, who was months away from matric exams and absolutely not interested in even pretending to study. They desperately wanted the child to earn a decent enough result to be granted university entrance, and the child just refused to engage. The parents tried everything that they could conceive (both positive and negative): incentives such as money, an overseas trip, a new computer or gadget of some kind, etc.; extra lessons (although these seemed to feel more like a punishment to the child); confiscating all "distractions" (computer, cell phone, etc.); long heartfelt conversations about the cost of the child's schooling, and the huge importance and value of a good education (these conversations often bombed out into a shouting match, as many a frustrated parent can probably understand); begging and pleading for the kid to just pull up their socks and push through the last few months... Absolutely nothing would light a fire under this child. Even worse, because neither party could understand the other, the situation was seriously affecting the child's self-esteem and the parent-child relationship was rapidly deteriorating. The mom started resorting to a passive-aggressive communication style (multiple diatribes to the tune of "poor me, I spend all my hard-earned money on you and you can't even be bothered to pretend it's not wasted"), the dad simply stepped back and completely removed himself from the equation, and the child became increasingly sullen, obstinate and uncommunicative. Toxic, toxic, toxic.
After weeks of prodding and probing, I finally coaxed the child into admitting a number of things: the child was feeling completely overwhelmed and didn't see a point in studying, because they felt so far behind that it felt too late to start; they also felt completely lost and didn't even know where to begin with tackling the seemingly mammoth task ahead; and there was an immense fear of failure and letting down the parents (who had created this image in the child's mind that these parents had never and would never fail anything). All the incentives in the world could not have helped the poor kid. This breakthrough allowed the parents and me the opportunity to understand the reasons for the child's severe lack of motivation and implement appropriate support measures to help the child find their feet and gain enough momentum to continue independently. Happily, the child is now successfully working through their first year at university and the parent-child relationship has lost its toxicity, the parents are supportive and encouraging, and the child has become more communicative and organised.
The Lovers: Where to begin? Communication (or rather lack thereof) is an age-old problem that seems to have plagued lovers since the beginning of time, both in literature and in life. Many a great Shakespeare tragedy has revolved around exactly this issue - Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Much Ado About Nothing... In each instance, these lovers opted to play games, keep secrets, and act independently of each other rather than behave as team mates and make decisions or face problems together. To understand the cliché of "life imitating art", we need only take the time to observe and listen to those around us to see how many people struggle to communicate with their loved ones. It is a strange phenomenon - one would imagine that the person with whom you spend the most time and share your most intimate moments would be the one person with whom you would be comfortable being completely frank, yet it appears that the exact opposite is true. Perhaps it is because we struggle to draw the line between being frank and being a jerk, so rather than risk coming across as a jerk, we choose to remain silent. Or, perhaps it is simply because we do not know how best to express what we are feeling in a way that our lover would understand. Once again, we come back to the idea of different communication styles and how difficult it is for some of us to adapt to these.
I have been in a relationship for the last 5 years with someone whose communication style is almost completely the opposite of mine and, let me tell you, there are times when it is incredibly challenging for both of us. I would like to relate here a few highlights of our experiences with miscommunication and the lessons we have learned from these, in the hopes that some of these lessons could be useful for others (as Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.").
Lesson #1: acknowledge each other's communication styles to minimise misunderstandings. In our relationship we have one very talkative, expressive person (all about the warm fuzzies) and one fairly taciturn, matter-of-fact person (all about the pragmatism). These two styles are quite hard to reconcile. Many a conversation has seen us sitting across from each other both at a loss for words. It's not that we have nothing to say, rather that it takes quite a while for each of us to translate what we are feeling / thinking into a sentence that will resonate with the other person and ensure they there is no way that they could misunderstand our intentions. For the first few years, our conversations were fairly one-sided. The warm-fuzzy person talked a mile a minute while the pragmatist just sat there, nodding along, always insisting they had nothing to add. Well, you can probably imagine how this did not work out for us. We ended up breaking up, hitting "reset", and working out a new game plan - communicate before it's too late!!! (The rhyming is purely a coincidence.)
Having this game plan doesn't make communicating any easier, it is simply a mental Post-It that we both keep to remind ourselves that we need to talk to each other. No team can be successful at anything without talking to each other and that is exactly what we are - a "Life" team. Nowadays, we both consciously make the effort to check in with the other on occasion (literally asking "How are you doing, love? Are you happy?") to ensure that we keep the line of communication between us open, because we know that if that closes down, we're going down with it. We are no longer afraid to be honest, but we try to take the time to make sure our honesty is expressed clearly, calmly, and kindly so that it cannot be misunderstood by the other person. We are particularly careful about not bottling up emotions and holding things back, because it always comes out eventually and honesty expressed in anger will never yield a positive outcome.
Lesson #2: Relationships are hard work! Find some common ground and work as a team. They say opposites attract. Maybe so, but oh boy once you're there it really takes some elbow grease (from both sides!) to stay in each other's orbit. The problem is that nobody really mentions the critical disclaimer: although opposites can attract, sometimes there can be too many differences to successfully establish a steady companionship. It is absolutely vital to figure out whether the rewards are worth the hard work before diving headfirst into something if it will take more out of you than it will give back. In our case, although communication is the speed bump we've been constantly tripping over, the rest of our lives are fairly well synced. We have very similar living styles and many of the same interests, so meshing our lives together has not been an overwhelming task. We are not trying to gel and juggle five or six different issues all at once and are consequently able to concentrate on our one big issue (communication) because the other daily stuff does not require constant active attention. Sure, there will be other issues that crop up but the whole point is that teamwork and communication (that elbow grease from both sides) make this thing possible.
Relationships are hard work. Nothing that is worth having will be effortless. Make sure both of you have the same goals for your relationship, communicate these goals, and then pursue them together.
Lesson #3: independence and time apart are not a bad thing. I have seen so many instances where a couple is inseparable and the lovers hardly ever make individual social plans. This works for some people, although they may find it impacts their social lives quite a bit. However, I have also seen so many instances where one lover is "clingy" and the other is feeling smothered. It is often implied that something is wrong if one lover wants to make a plan that does not involve the other (even if that plan is just to spend some time alone). People who enjoy constant company struggle to understand those who sometimes want space / alone time, and vice versa. This was one of the big issues that we experienced before our "reset" episode. It was very difficult for the one person (who lived with others and was always surrounded by people) to ask the other when they wanted a day or two to themselves, and the other person (who lived alone without a single living thing, except a cactus, to come home to) never thought to offer this space because it was not something they ever desired. It took a lot of Q&A and long heartfelt discussions to bring about an understanding and reconciliation of these two vastly different desires.
Although this problem was not specific to communication, it was still communicating that helped to resolve it. Talking about the reasons behind these desires, the way the other's desire made us feel, and working out a compromise where the constant-company person remembers to sometimes give the other some time alone, has made all the difference. It has allowed us to establish an understanding around this disparity between us and dissolve all the negative feelings we had developed regarding the other person's desire (either for space or constant company).
Regardless of the circumstances in which we need to communicate, it is always important to understand how the person on the other end of the conversation communicates, if we are to be successful at it. No two people are alike (although some are admittedly very similar) and if we cannot acknowledge that the mind inside the other person in the conversation is wired differently to our own, then we risk feeling unheard and confused at the end of every conversation we have (or leaving the other person feeling that way). Worse, we risk unintentionally hurting the other person or causing some form of damage to the relationship between us. Communication is a most essential tool in every relationship we have and practising effective communication is the best way to ensure that our interactions with others are positive, productive, and foster growth in the relationship. If we choose to communicate consciously and thoughtfully rather than reactively and spontaneously, taking the time to understand the context within which the conversation is taking place as well as the communication style of the other person, we will find ourselves feeling better heard, less confused, and far more confident around the people with whom we work, play, and love each day. As Maya Angelou so sagely stated: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Communication is easily one of the biggest stumbling blocks in the daily life of the average Joe. Not necessarily because we are bad at communicating. Rather because every person communicates slightly differently and it is very difficult to adapt to these different styles of communication every time we wish to have a conversation. As a result, many of us choose to rather just bulldoze ahead in our own style and assume that the other person has understood what we said in exactly the way we intended it to be understood. Well, here's the thing...
Hundreds of miscommunications take place every single day, from the boardroom to the back office, the bedroom to the bar, between boss and minion, parent and child, lovers, or friends. Generally, the gist of any message conveyed in conversation can be understood by most people regardless of the communication styles involved. The problem is that all of the aspects involved in communication - word choice, vocal tone, facial expressions, body language - are subjectively interpreted by each person. A misunderstanding of the intention behind any of these elements can cause the plain meaning of the words to be lost in the emotional reaction that the other person experiences. This is exactly the reason that so many communications go awry. I would like to explore this using three examples of such miscommunications that I have experienced or witnessed in various contexts - between colleagues in the workplace, between family members, and between lovers.
The Workplace: I have seen colleagues reduced to tears by an unpleasantly loud, agitated manager who appeared to be shouting at them while relaying information about an assignment to be completed. After numerous iterations of this offending behaviour, it became apparent that this particular manager externalises their stress by shouting and it has nothing to do with the person on the receiving end of the tirade (except, of course, if that person has actually made an error - although shouting is always unprofessional and seriously counter-productive). The problem in this case was that the minions who felt that they were being shouted at were young, anxiety-prone and ambitious individuals who did not separate the manager's agitation from the message that was being conveyed. Result: a clueless manager (because from their side, there was no offence meant and they were completely unaware of the intense nature of their speech) and a distraught minion (because from their side, it felt as though they were in trouble as a result of their manager "shouting" at them).
This is a classic example of miscommunication in the workplace. It happens all too often that a stressed and overbearing manager causes a minion to feel worthless and even terrified simply due to an inappropriate, misplaced display of stress. It is a very difficult thing to try and temper our communications to ensure that we are not misdirecting our negative emotions into a completely unrelated conversation but, if we are able to do so, it will certainly help us to avoid stepping on toes (or feelings) and preserve the relationships we have in the workplace.
The Family: A few years ago, I was tutoring a child who was really struggling to find any motivation when it came to their school work. We all take different approaches to life (some of us are early birds, others are night owls; some are naturally hardworking and disciplined, others have to try a lot harder to motivate themselves to work) and the biggest problem I have noticed so far with these differences is the misunderstanding that occurs between people on opposite ends of these spectrums. In this case, the parents were incredibly organised, extremely hardworking individuals, and the child was about as unmotivated, disorganized, and idle as they come.
The issue for this family was that the parents couldn't find a way to motivate their child, who was months away from matric exams and absolutely not interested in even pretending to study. They desperately wanted the child to earn a decent enough result to be granted university entrance, and the child just refused to engage. The parents tried everything that they could conceive (both positive and negative): incentives such as money, an overseas trip, a new computer or gadget of some kind, etc.; extra lessons (although these seemed to feel more like a punishment to the child); confiscating all "distractions" (computer, cell phone, etc.); long heartfelt conversations about the cost of the child's schooling, and the huge importance and value of a good education (these conversations often bombed out into a shouting match, as many a frustrated parent can probably understand); begging and pleading for the kid to just pull up their socks and push through the last few months... Absolutely nothing would light a fire under this child. Even worse, because neither party could understand the other, the situation was seriously affecting the child's self-esteem and the parent-child relationship was rapidly deteriorating. The mom started resorting to a passive-aggressive communication style (multiple diatribes to the tune of "poor me, I spend all my hard-earned money on you and you can't even be bothered to pretend it's not wasted"), the dad simply stepped back and completely removed himself from the equation, and the child became increasingly sullen, obstinate and uncommunicative. Toxic, toxic, toxic.
After weeks of prodding and probing, I finally coaxed the child into admitting a number of things: the child was feeling completely overwhelmed and didn't see a point in studying, because they felt so far behind that it felt too late to start; they also felt completely lost and didn't even know where to begin with tackling the seemingly mammoth task ahead; and there was an immense fear of failure and letting down the parents (who had created this image in the child's mind that these parents had never and would never fail anything). All the incentives in the world could not have helped the poor kid. This breakthrough allowed the parents and me the opportunity to understand the reasons for the child's severe lack of motivation and implement appropriate support measures to help the child find their feet and gain enough momentum to continue independently. Happily, the child is now successfully working through their first year at university and the parent-child relationship has lost its toxicity, the parents are supportive and encouraging, and the child has become more communicative and organised.
The Lovers: Where to begin? Communication (or rather lack thereof) is an age-old problem that seems to have plagued lovers since the beginning of time, both in literature and in life. Many a great Shakespeare tragedy has revolved around exactly this issue - Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Much Ado About Nothing... In each instance, these lovers opted to play games, keep secrets, and act independently of each other rather than behave as team mates and make decisions or face problems together. To understand the cliché of "life imitating art", we need only take the time to observe and listen to those around us to see how many people struggle to communicate with their loved ones. It is a strange phenomenon - one would imagine that the person with whom you spend the most time and share your most intimate moments would be the one person with whom you would be comfortable being completely frank, yet it appears that the exact opposite is true. Perhaps it is because we struggle to draw the line between being frank and being a jerk, so rather than risk coming across as a jerk, we choose to remain silent. Or, perhaps it is simply because we do not know how best to express what we are feeling in a way that our lover would understand. Once again, we come back to the idea of different communication styles and how difficult it is for some of us to adapt to these.
I have been in a relationship for the last 5 years with someone whose communication style is almost completely the opposite of mine and, let me tell you, there are times when it is incredibly challenging for both of us. I would like to relate here a few highlights of our experiences with miscommunication and the lessons we have learned from these, in the hopes that some of these lessons could be useful for others (as Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.").
Lesson #1: acknowledge each other's communication styles to minimise misunderstandings. In our relationship we have one very talkative, expressive person (all about the warm fuzzies) and one fairly taciturn, matter-of-fact person (all about the pragmatism). These two styles are quite hard to reconcile. Many a conversation has seen us sitting across from each other both at a loss for words. It's not that we have nothing to say, rather that it takes quite a while for each of us to translate what we are feeling / thinking into a sentence that will resonate with the other person and ensure they there is no way that they could misunderstand our intentions. For the first few years, our conversations were fairly one-sided. The warm-fuzzy person talked a mile a minute while the pragmatist just sat there, nodding along, always insisting they had nothing to add. Well, you can probably imagine how this did not work out for us. We ended up breaking up, hitting "reset", and working out a new game plan - communicate before it's too late!!! (The rhyming is purely a coincidence.)
Having this game plan doesn't make communicating any easier, it is simply a mental Post-It that we both keep to remind ourselves that we need to talk to each other. No team can be successful at anything without talking to each other and that is exactly what we are - a "Life" team. Nowadays, we both consciously make the effort to check in with the other on occasion (literally asking "How are you doing, love? Are you happy?") to ensure that we keep the line of communication between us open, because we know that if that closes down, we're going down with it. We are no longer afraid to be honest, but we try to take the time to make sure our honesty is expressed clearly, calmly, and kindly so that it cannot be misunderstood by the other person. We are particularly careful about not bottling up emotions and holding things back, because it always comes out eventually and honesty expressed in anger will never yield a positive outcome.
Lesson #2: Relationships are hard work! Find some common ground and work as a team. They say opposites attract. Maybe so, but oh boy once you're there it really takes some elbow grease (from both sides!) to stay in each other's orbit. The problem is that nobody really mentions the critical disclaimer: although opposites can attract, sometimes there can be too many differences to successfully establish a steady companionship. It is absolutely vital to figure out whether the rewards are worth the hard work before diving headfirst into something if it will take more out of you than it will give back. In our case, although communication is the speed bump we've been constantly tripping over, the rest of our lives are fairly well synced. We have very similar living styles and many of the same interests, so meshing our lives together has not been an overwhelming task. We are not trying to gel and juggle five or six different issues all at once and are consequently able to concentrate on our one big issue (communication) because the other daily stuff does not require constant active attention. Sure, there will be other issues that crop up but the whole point is that teamwork and communication (that elbow grease from both sides) make this thing possible.
Relationships are hard work. Nothing that is worth having will be effortless. Make sure both of you have the same goals for your relationship, communicate these goals, and then pursue them together.
Lesson #3: independence and time apart are not a bad thing. I have seen so many instances where a couple is inseparable and the lovers hardly ever make individual social plans. This works for some people, although they may find it impacts their social lives quite a bit. However, I have also seen so many instances where one lover is "clingy" and the other is feeling smothered. It is often implied that something is wrong if one lover wants to make a plan that does not involve the other (even if that plan is just to spend some time alone). People who enjoy constant company struggle to understand those who sometimes want space / alone time, and vice versa. This was one of the big issues that we experienced before our "reset" episode. It was very difficult for the one person (who lived with others and was always surrounded by people) to ask the other when they wanted a day or two to themselves, and the other person (who lived alone without a single living thing, except a cactus, to come home to) never thought to offer this space because it was not something they ever desired. It took a lot of Q&A and long heartfelt discussions to bring about an understanding and reconciliation of these two vastly different desires.
Although this problem was not specific to communication, it was still communicating that helped to resolve it. Talking about the reasons behind these desires, the way the other's desire made us feel, and working out a compromise where the constant-company person remembers to sometimes give the other some time alone, has made all the difference. It has allowed us to establish an understanding around this disparity between us and dissolve all the negative feelings we had developed regarding the other person's desire (either for space or constant company).
Regardless of the circumstances in which we need to communicate, it is always important to understand how the person on the other end of the conversation communicates, if we are to be successful at it. No two people are alike (although some are admittedly very similar) and if we cannot acknowledge that the mind inside the other person in the conversation is wired differently to our own, then we risk feeling unheard and confused at the end of every conversation we have (or leaving the other person feeling that way). Worse, we risk unintentionally hurting the other person or causing some form of damage to the relationship between us. Communication is a most essential tool in every relationship we have and practising effective communication is the best way to ensure that our interactions with others are positive, productive, and foster growth in the relationship. If we choose to communicate consciously and thoughtfully rather than reactively and spontaneously, taking the time to understand the context within which the conversation is taking place as well as the communication style of the other person, we will find ourselves feeling better heard, less confused, and far more confident around the people with whom we work, play, and love each day. As Maya Angelou so sagely stated: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
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