Communication is easily one of the biggest stumbling blocks in the daily life of the average Joe. Not necessarily because we are bad at communicating. Rather because every person communicates slightly differently and it is very difficult to adapt to these different styles of communication every time we wish to have a conversation. As a result, many of us choose to rather just bulldoze ahead in our own style and assume that the other person has understood what we said in exactly the way we intended it to be understood. Well, here's the thing...
Hundreds of miscommunications take place every single day, from the boardroom to the back office, the bedroom to the bar, between boss and minion, parent and child, lovers, or friends. Generally, the gist of any message conveyed in conversation can be understood by most people regardless of the communication styles involved. The problem is that all of the aspects involved in communication - word choice, vocal tone, facial expressions, body language - are subjectively interpreted by each person. A misunderstanding of the intention behind any of these elements can cause the plain meaning of the words to be lost in the emotional reaction that the other person experiences. This is exactly the reason that so many communications go awry. I would like to explore this using three examples of such miscommunications that I have experienced or witnessed in various contexts - between colleagues in the workplace, between family members, and between lovers.
The Workplace: I have seen colleagues reduced to tears by an unpleasantly loud, agitated manager who appeared to be shouting at them while relaying information about an assignment to be completed. After numerous iterations of this offending behaviour, it became apparent that this particular manager externalises their stress by shouting and it has nothing to do with the person on the receiving end of the tirade (except, of course, if that person has actually made an error - although shouting is always unprofessional and seriously counter-productive). The problem in this case was that the minions who felt that they were being shouted at were young, anxiety-prone and ambitious individuals who did not separate the manager's agitation from the message that was being conveyed. Result: a clueless manager (because from their side, there was no offence meant and they were completely unaware of the intense nature of their speech) and a distraught minion (because from their side, it felt as though they were in trouble as a result of their manager "shouting" at them).
This is a classic example of miscommunication in the workplace. It happens all too often that a stressed and overbearing manager causes a minion to feel worthless and even terrified simply due to an inappropriate, misplaced display of stress. It is a very difficult thing to try and temper our communications to ensure that we are not misdirecting our negative emotions into a completely unrelated conversation but, if we are able to do so, it will certainly help us to avoid stepping on toes (or feelings) and preserve the relationships we have in the workplace.
The Family: A few years ago, I was tutoring a child who was really struggling to find any motivation when it came to their school work. We all take different approaches to life (some of us are early birds, others are night owls; some are naturally hardworking and disciplined, others have to try a lot harder to motivate themselves to work) and the biggest problem I have noticed so far with these differences is the misunderstanding that occurs between people on opposite ends of these spectrums. In this case, the parents were incredibly organised, extremely hardworking individuals, and the child was about as unmotivated, disorganized, and idle as they come.
The issue for this family was that the parents couldn't find a way to motivate their child, who was months away from matric exams and absolutely not interested in even pretending to study. They desperately wanted the child to earn a decent enough result to be granted university entrance, and the child just refused to engage. The parents tried everything that they could conceive (both positive and negative): incentives such as money, an overseas trip, a new computer or gadget of some kind, etc.; extra lessons (although these seemed to feel more like a punishment to the child); confiscating all "distractions" (computer, cell phone, etc.); long heartfelt conversations about the cost of the child's schooling, and the huge importance and value of a good education (these conversations often bombed out into a shouting match, as many a frustrated parent can probably understand); begging and pleading for the kid to just pull up their socks and push through the last few months... Absolutely nothing would light a fire under this child. Even worse, because neither party could understand the other, the situation was seriously affecting the child's self-esteem and the parent-child relationship was rapidly deteriorating. The mom started resorting to a passive-aggressive communication style (multiple diatribes to the tune of "poor me, I spend all my hard-earned money on you and you can't even be bothered to pretend it's not wasted"), the dad simply stepped back and completely removed himself from the equation, and the child became increasingly sullen, obstinate and uncommunicative. Toxic, toxic, toxic.
After weeks of prodding and probing, I finally coaxed the child into admitting a number of things: the child was feeling completely overwhelmed and didn't see a point in studying, because they felt so far behind that it felt too late to start; they also felt completely lost and didn't even know where to begin with tackling the seemingly mammoth task ahead; and there was an immense fear of failure and letting down the parents (who had created this image in the child's mind that these parents had never and would never fail anything). All the incentives in the world could not have helped the poor kid. This breakthrough allowed the parents and me the opportunity to understand the reasons for the child's severe lack of motivation and implement appropriate support measures to help the child find their feet and gain enough momentum to continue independently. Happily, the child is now successfully working through their first year at university and the parent-child relationship has lost its toxicity, the parents are supportive and encouraging, and the child has become more communicative and organised.
The Lovers: Where to begin? Communication (or rather lack thereof) is an age-old problem that seems to have plagued lovers since the beginning of time, both in literature and in life. Many a great Shakespeare tragedy has revolved around exactly this issue - Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Much Ado About Nothing... In each instance, these lovers opted to play games, keep secrets, and act independently of each other rather than behave as team mates and make decisions or face problems together. To understand the cliché of "life imitating art", we need only take the time to observe and listen to those around us to see how many people struggle to communicate with their loved ones. It is a strange phenomenon - one would imagine that the person with whom you spend the most time and share your most intimate moments would be the one person with whom you would be comfortable being completely frank, yet it appears that the exact opposite is true. Perhaps it is because we struggle to draw the line between being frank and being a jerk, so rather than risk coming across as a jerk, we choose to remain silent. Or, perhaps it is simply because we do not know how best to express what we are feeling in a way that our lover would understand. Once again, we come back to the idea of different communication styles and how difficult it is for some of us to adapt to these.
I have been in a relationship for the last 5 years with someone whose communication style is almost completely the opposite of mine and, let me tell you, there are times when it is incredibly challenging for both of us. I would like to relate here a few highlights of our experiences with miscommunication and the lessons we have learned from these, in the hopes that some of these lessons could be useful for others (as Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.").
Lesson #1: acknowledge each other's communication styles to minimise misunderstandings. In our relationship we have one very talkative, expressive person (all about the warm fuzzies) and one fairly taciturn, matter-of-fact person (all about the pragmatism). These two styles are quite hard to reconcile. Many a conversation has seen us sitting across from each other both at a loss for words. It's not that we have nothing to say, rather that it takes quite a while for each of us to translate what we are feeling / thinking into a sentence that will resonate with the other person and ensure they there is no way that they could misunderstand our intentions. For the first few years, our conversations were fairly one-sided. The warm-fuzzy person talked a mile a minute while the pragmatist just sat there, nodding along, always insisting they had nothing to add. Well, you can probably imagine how this did not work out for us. We ended up breaking up, hitting "reset", and working out a new game plan - communicate before it's too late!!! (The rhyming is purely a coincidence.)
Having this game plan doesn't make communicating any easier, it is simply a mental Post-It that we both keep to remind ourselves that we need to talk to each other. No team can be successful at anything without talking to each other and that is exactly what we are - a "Life" team. Nowadays, we both consciously make the effort to check in with the other on occasion (literally asking "How are you doing, love? Are you happy?") to ensure that we keep the line of communication between us open, because we know that if that closes down, we're going down with it. We are no longer afraid to be honest, but we try to take the time to make sure our honesty is expressed clearly, calmly, and kindly so that it cannot be misunderstood by the other person. We are particularly careful about not bottling up emotions and holding things back, because it always comes out eventually and honesty expressed in anger will never yield a positive outcome.
Lesson #2: Relationships are hard work! Find some common ground and work as a team. They say opposites attract. Maybe so, but oh boy once you're there it really takes some elbow grease (from both sides!) to stay in each other's orbit. The problem is that nobody really mentions the critical disclaimer: although opposites can attract, sometimes there can be too many differences to successfully establish a steady companionship. It is absolutely vital to figure out whether the rewards are worth the hard work before diving headfirst into something if it will take more out of you than it will give back. In our case, although communication is the speed bump we've been constantly tripping over, the rest of our lives are fairly well synced. We have very similar living styles and many of the same interests, so meshing our lives together has not been an overwhelming task. We are not trying to gel and juggle five or six different issues all at once and are consequently able to concentrate on our one big issue (communication) because the other daily stuff does not require constant active attention. Sure, there will be other issues that crop up but the whole point is that teamwork and communication (that elbow grease from both sides) make this thing possible.
Relationships are hard work. Nothing that is worth having will be effortless. Make sure both of you have the same goals for your relationship, communicate these goals, and then pursue them together.
Lesson #3: independence and time apart are not a bad thing. I have seen so many instances where a couple is inseparable and the lovers hardly ever make individual social plans. This works for some people, although they may find it impacts their social lives quite a bit. However, I have also seen so many instances where one lover is "clingy" and the other is feeling smothered. It is often implied that something is wrong if one lover wants to make a plan that does not involve the other (even if that plan is just to spend some time alone). People who enjoy constant company struggle to understand those who sometimes want space / alone time, and vice versa. This was one of the big issues that we experienced before our "reset" episode. It was very difficult for the one person (who lived with others and was always surrounded by people) to ask the other when they wanted a day or two to themselves, and the other person (who lived alone without a single living thing, except a cactus, to come home to) never thought to offer this space because it was not something they ever desired. It took a lot of Q&A and long heartfelt discussions to bring about an understanding and reconciliation of these two vastly different desires.
Although this problem was not specific to communication, it was still communicating that helped to resolve it. Talking about the reasons behind these desires, the way the other's desire made us feel, and working out a compromise where the constant-company person remembers to sometimes give the other some time alone, has made all the difference. It has allowed us to establish an understanding around this disparity between us and dissolve all the negative feelings we had developed regarding the other person's desire (either for space or constant company).
Regardless of the circumstances in which we need to communicate, it is always important to understand how the person on the other end of the conversation communicates, if we are to be successful at it. No two people are alike (although some are admittedly very similar) and if we cannot acknowledge that the mind inside the other person in the conversation is wired differently to our own, then we risk feeling unheard and confused at the end of every conversation we have (or leaving the other person feeling that way). Worse, we risk unintentionally hurting the other person or causing some form of damage to the relationship between us. Communication is a most essential tool in every relationship we have and practising effective communication is the best way to ensure that our interactions with others are positive, productive, and foster growth in the relationship. If we choose to communicate consciously and thoughtfully rather than reactively and spontaneously, taking the time to understand the context within which the conversation is taking place as well as the communication style of the other person, we will find ourselves feeling better heard, less confused, and far more confident around the people with whom we work, play, and love each day. As Maya Angelou so sagely stated: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
